Being hard on myself

"If you´re hard on yourself you´ll never have fun"

I remember as a child my parents were strict on me and my siblings. This was due to their good intentions on making sure we make right decisions in every step of our lives and functioning well in the society. Now I make my own decisions, and as I child I thought "when I grow up, I will not be as strict with life and myself as my parents are", but guess what, I am even more strict towards myself than what my parents have ever been towards me.

If you don´t go easy on yourself, you´ll never find peace. As I am entering new stages of life I am learning that I should be kinder to myself. Because it all starts from you, and if you´re so mean to yourself, you can never have any fun and you can never find peace.

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."

~Raymond Hull

Playing it SAFE

“It´s better to regret what you have done than what you haven´t”

It is 2010 and exactly ten years ago I graduated from college. I will soon turn 30 and naturally I think of all the years which have already passed, which I never will be able to change, however the bright side is that I hopefully have many years to go.

I think in our 20s we try to fit into the normal norm as safely as possible, but I can feel the turmoil inside every cell in my body wanting to be more of ME, having found my identity and coming to terms with that, with all my strengths and shortcomings.I believe when we all reach certain turning points in our lives, either at the age of 30, 50 or 90 we tend to examine our lives, the achievements of our years and how we have made time pass so fast. Many reach these turning points only to realize they have missed out on life.

This soon to be turning point in my life has made me think of the really important matters in life. When I was reaching the age of 20, I thought everything was about a great degree, career or position. I remember I was, as most people around me, trying to aim for these values. I feel that has somehow changed as I am not too far away from celebrating my 30^th birthday. I wonder if the world has changed, or have I changed, have my values changed? I cant point to what the difference is now, but what I now know is that my value is not upon what I have achieved or will achieve.

I have learned life is about decisions, and when making decisions we try to predict the consequences’ of our decisions, soon to realize that a decision will not always lead to what we had predicted. That is when life takes a new turn, either for better or for worse. Everything we do we choose, either playing it safe or not. So I wonder, what is there to regret? Arent we the person we have chosen to be?

I better start choosing who I want to become as a 40 year old lady….not playing it safe! If you always make the right decision, the safe decision, the one most people make, you will be the same as everyone else. Always wishing life was different.

Dare to Dream

Do you have a dream? Or did you have a dream in the past, but now your circumstances have changed so much that the dream seems like it was from another lifetime? Maybe life has been so hard or painful that you have given up on your dream….or maybe you´ve never dared to dream at all.

My experience is when we feel like we have lost all our dream, that is the time God comes inn and gives life back with its load of dreams. Today I stopped, and got quiet in the presence of God. I think one of our times most devastating factors of depression and loneliness is that we don’t make time for our spiritual growth. When making time to rest in God´s presence and ask for help, that is the time we remember ones again the purpose behind it all and the spirit and energy which initially gave us all those dreams.

As human beings we can often rely on our own skills, intelligence and control of life. To some extend I do believe we should as those are the abilities God has granted us, but I think we often forget the root of all these dreams, skills and accomplishments. God is the author of our dreams, God and all the great energies he has put in the world wants you to accomplish your purpose in life.

I believe God is the creator and author of the earth and all it contains. This means he created you and me. This doesn´t mean everything that happens to you was planned by God. I think many have indeed been victimized through abuse or other misfortune. Pain in one form or another may have entered your life. But I do not think God is behind our misfortune. He is the author of overcoming every single devastation and making us more of a conqueror in the process of life.

I believe if we let God be the master of our lives he will fulfill his dreams in our lives, and we will find more of our life purpose. I have myself had and still sometimes have those days when you go through the day and wonder: “really, God has a purpose for me?” I can barely get through the day. How can I possibly take time to dream with God?....I know what you feel, but my reply to myself and to you is: “How can you not?”

Instead of FLOWERS

Don’t you just love receiving flowers from someone who dearly loves you?, I do! My favorites are white roses. White roses calms me down, it has a sense of spirituality over it which makes me just want to grab a cup of herbal tea, put the flowers in a beautiful pot and just stare at them.

Although flowers makes me go “awwwww”, I have realized as I am growing older and hopefully more mature that there are so many other things we can do to each other which could go instead of flowers.

Maybe a nice gesture of writing a short note of “just wanted to say hi”. Don’t we all have those days of runny nose, red eyes, and the world looks darker than ever, you know what I am talking about. Sometimes we just want to go under the wool duvet and hide ourselves from the world, those are the times our world can be brightened up by a short note of “hi there”. Or when someone follows you up the stairs or comes up to pick you up, it means more than flowers. It is a gesture of care.

Don’t we sometimes feel like yelling out : “I just need to be held, looong and very soon”. Men often complain about their moody women, but I wonder if they would complain as much if they made time just holding their women, making her release all her positive hormones and energy into the universe. This was a hint to all the frustrated men out there, hug your girl!

So girls and boys here it comes, instead of flowers:

1. a hug

2. follow her up the stair

3. when in the petrol station, grab a chewing gum and coffee

4. leave a personal written note

5. have surprise gifts, give them on a day with no occasion

6. get some vitamins and herbs

7. cook a great meal

8. find out when her/his favorite movie/show goes on tv

9. put on her/his favorite cd

10.light some scented candles

The list could go on, you are welcome to add yours…..all instead of flowers!

LEARNING TO BE HAPPY

As I was doing my Bachelor in Psychology back in 2001-2004 I was drawn towards the positive Psychology philosophy and Professor Martin Seligman. I ended up doing my final research project within forgiveness, where I measured weather people who tend to forgive more have healthier mind and body.

Some researchers believe there is an “intelligence of well-being”, and that we can increase our overall level of happiness by consciously savoring pleasurable moments. I wonder: “Does it really boil down to that?” Is happiness actually a skill that can be practiced and honed like any other?

Other positive Psychology researchers describe happiness as “complete absorption in the activity and situation at hand”, a state of being at one with oneself and one´s surroundings, which is termed “flow”. Flow is best achieved when we immerse ourselves in our work or are involved in an athletic or creative activity for its own sake.

Perhaps more of us would feel more content with our lives more of the time if we weren´t saddled with unrealistic expectations fuelled by popular culture – from the fairytales read to us as children that end with “they lived happily ever after” to the books and films we take in as adults. “It´s not bad idea to lower the bar a bit”. If someone´s idea of happiness is to kick back in front of the TV with a beer in the evening, great!” The main thing is for us to get rid of the “brakes” in our head that keep us from being happy, and heighten our awareness for the little moments of bliss. If we can do that and stop to smell the roses once in a while, we might just be lucky enough to find something approaching the holy grail of “enduring happiness”.

“It is a mistake to think happiness is the goal” – old monk