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I find it a privilege being on this planet at the same time as you, and believe we all are here at this time of humanity for a purpose. I hope you will find it interesting getting into conversation with me and my readers.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Why relationships End?

Recently I have come across many couples who have decided to end their relationships, this has made me ask questions. I absolutely believe every person’s story and their reason for ending must be respected. It sometimes is easy to stand at the side and judge others for leaving the person they used to love and the person they had dedicated all their lives to. The “whys” that arise in my mind are many; I would like to think of these matters in order to avoid it in my own life, however I am aware that life brings on so many uncertain happenings that change people, circumstances and how we adjust to it.

Many couples will cite ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the cause of the split, but what are really all these differences? And how can we all avoid the most common pitfalls?

Partners do not understand each others emotions; I think before pointing at the other person, it is vital to examine our own behavior. Few things do more damage to a relationship than judging a partner yet never confronting him or her with the issues. We often assume others should and must understand what goes on in our minds, which is never going to happen, so get on with it and talk :). We often spend too much time moaning about issues, rather than airing them.
Argue about everything; rowing is not the cause of a relationship in ending, it often is the symptom. It is when we don’t admit our real fears that we find a way out with arguing. During an argument we should learn to ask ourselves: ‘What are my real fears; what would I rather be saying?’
Relationships never really recover after having children; I have always wondered why people have children although they haven’t learned how to cope with life together. There is absolutely no room for a child when there is so much argument involved. Children should not and must not grow up with parents that still behave as children themselves. Unfortunately often we see couples who wrongly think a child will solve all their issues in life. How a couple reorganizes their new roles is the key to relationship survival.
Everything once adored about the partner is now found unbearable; we are often attracted to aspects that we feel are missing in ourselves. But couples often emphasize these differences rather than embracing them.
He/She has had an affair; statistically around half of all married men and women have extra-marital sex. Resolving infidelity requires self-awareness on both sides. The tendency is to blame each other rather than ask, ‘what have I been doing?’ Affairs don’t just arrive out of the blue, they are symptoms of something else going on. It’s a breakdown in communication, an inability to understand what makes the other person feel loved. The unfaithful person has to prove himself or herself trustworthy in order for the relationship to receive an other chance to survive.
No longer attracted to each other; I think people drift apart because they haven’t been investing enough in the relationship. The relationship is a separate entity that needs to be nurtured. I think it is important to ask; ‘how is it going?’ ‘how can we improve it?’ ‘when did the kissing and cuddling stop, and what else is happening?’ It is all about constantly getting to know each other better. My aunty and uncle arrange a date every week in order to keep their relationship fresh and exciting. This is after 20 years of marriage.
Partner having a crisis; when a partner decide to have a radical change and the other part does not have any idea, this may cause problems. Partners may grow away from each other and adopt different interests. It is important to be open about why now? Why are you seeing life so differently now? It is vital to agree on things that work for both parts.

I have observed many couples, coached people through their difficulties, and seen that these 7 point are usually the cause of ending a relationship. I wish we would not expect things to become perfect overnight, but rather use our time to build families, relationships, and societies that function healthily and bring on change. In order to see such relationships it requires people who decide to work hard for the quality of their relationships and life!

Just a last note – rushing into marriage does not help your life either, think before acting. Just having a person by your side does not guaranty happiness, but having the right match on the journey of life you are leading will put you on a line of happiness, but still alot of hard work is required!


Original Sin said...

The breakdown of relationships, and by extention the nuclear family is a direct consequence of a decreasingly spiritual existance. Take out God from your life, and you loose your sense of purpose and direction, your moral compass and ultimately your meta-reason for living. We have become ships without sail, floating around in a turbulent sea. Sometimes we bump into other ships, stay together for a while, but when the winds and waves of the world change direction, we drift apart.
Without certainty in your life, how can you expect the same people to be with you throughout?

Keyvan said...

Realationship is pretty like a fresh plant, it looks great, smells wonderfulI, but needed to be taking care of to keep this freshness. both partner should and must work to keep it going all time ( happy time, difficult time ),and what make this job easier is to be able to communicate which again is a big challaning caz we have difference way to think and communicate as menn and women.unfortunatly this challange would not become easier if the cultural elements also apeare such as interracial partnership...so you do the math !
but we will manage it if only we believe in respect and tolerance for each other.

Haamed Mohammadi said...

Elham Jaan You Rock
I just want to thank you for all you have done for people around you, people you know, and people you don't know!!

Elham Binai said...

I think we are all created to live in community and hence to assist and encourage each other in order to live a more happier and better life. I value those that have done and still do that in my own life!