Integrity at work

I just finished a book titled “Integrity – Leading with God watching” by Jonathan Lamb. Integrity matters. We expect it, naively perhaps, of leaders in all walks of life. But then the question is, why is integrity so rare? Why does our walk not always match our talk?

As a leader it is easy wanting others to do what ever you think it is right to do, but then easier said than done, right? I have realized the best thing is to live, or at least try to live the vision I set out for others to follow. As a leader we must not only craft a vision statement, but embody it.

“We conduct our business with uncompromising integrity. People at every level are expected to adhere to the highest standards of business ethics and must understand that anything less is totally unacceptable” (Hewlett Packard).

When leaders´ lives fail to match up with their words, we give up listening. We cannot take them seriously. In my career I have come across people who have had hidden agendas, trying very hard to hide it through their manipulative behaviors. Anyone who spends too much time in such a working environment will be affected by it, therefore it is better to seek an environment which will make you grow as a pure person with your head held high. Hidden agenda is the cancer of any environment, be it family, relationship, work or any organization. As human being I believe we have come to a point where we are seeking honesty and integrity.

In my life I first try to be accountable to God, then to others. I believe if we have an inner signal about “right” and “wrong” then we will always become sensitive to others. And live with true integrity.

Being hard on myself

"If you´re hard on yourself you´ll never have fun"

I remember as a child my parents were strict on me and my siblings. This was due to their good intentions on making sure we make right decisions in every step of our lives and functioning well in the society. Now I make my own decisions, and as I child I thought "when I grow up, I will not be as strict with life and myself as my parents are", but guess what, I am even more strict towards myself than what my parents have ever been towards me.

If you don´t go easy on yourself, you´ll never find peace. As I am entering new stages of life I am learning that I should be kinder to myself. Because it all starts from you, and if you´re so mean to yourself, you can never have any fun and you can never find peace.

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."

~Raymond Hull

Playing it SAFE

“It´s better to regret what you have done than what you haven´t”

It is 2010 and exactly ten years ago I graduated from college. I will soon turn 30 and naturally I think of all the years which have already passed, which I never will be able to change, however the bright side is that I hopefully have many years to go.

I think in our 20s we try to fit into the normal norm as safely as possible, but I can feel the turmoil inside every cell in my body wanting to be more of ME, having found my identity and coming to terms with that, with all my strengths and shortcomings.I believe when we all reach certain turning points in our lives, either at the age of 30, 50 or 90 we tend to examine our lives, the achievements of our years and how we have made time pass so fast. Many reach these turning points only to realize they have missed out on life.

This soon to be turning point in my life has made me think of the really important matters in life. When I was reaching the age of 20, I thought everything was about a great degree, career or position. I remember I was, as most people around me, trying to aim for these values. I feel that has somehow changed as I am not too far away from celebrating my 30^th birthday. I wonder if the world has changed, or have I changed, have my values changed? I cant point to what the difference is now, but what I now know is that my value is not upon what I have achieved or will achieve.

I have learned life is about decisions, and when making decisions we try to predict the consequences’ of our decisions, soon to realize that a decision will not always lead to what we had predicted. That is when life takes a new turn, either for better or for worse. Everything we do we choose, either playing it safe or not. So I wonder, what is there to regret? Arent we the person we have chosen to be?

I better start choosing who I want to become as a 40 year old lady….not playing it safe! If you always make the right decision, the safe decision, the one most people make, you will be the same as everyone else. Always wishing life was different.

Dare to Dream

Do you have a dream? Or did you have a dream in the past, but now your circumstances have changed so much that the dream seems like it was from another lifetime? Maybe life has been so hard or painful that you have given up on your dream….or maybe you´ve never dared to dream at all.

My experience is when we feel like we have lost all our dream, that is the time God comes inn and gives life back with its load of dreams. Today I stopped, and got quiet in the presence of God. I think one of our times most devastating factors of depression and loneliness is that we don’t make time for our spiritual growth. When making time to rest in God´s presence and ask for help, that is the time we remember ones again the purpose behind it all and the spirit and energy which initially gave us all those dreams.

As human beings we can often rely on our own skills, intelligence and control of life. To some extend I do believe we should as those are the abilities God has granted us, but I think we often forget the root of all these dreams, skills and accomplishments. God is the author of our dreams, God and all the great energies he has put in the world wants you to accomplish your purpose in life.

I believe God is the creator and author of the earth and all it contains. This means he created you and me. This doesn´t mean everything that happens to you was planned by God. I think many have indeed been victimized through abuse or other misfortune. Pain in one form or another may have entered your life. But I do not think God is behind our misfortune. He is the author of overcoming every single devastation and making us more of a conqueror in the process of life.

I believe if we let God be the master of our lives he will fulfill his dreams in our lives, and we will find more of our life purpose. I have myself had and still sometimes have those days when you go through the day and wonder: “really, God has a purpose for me?” I can barely get through the day. How can I possibly take time to dream with God?....I know what you feel, but my reply to myself and to you is: “How can you not?”

Instead of FLOWERS

Don’t you just love receiving flowers from someone who dearly loves you?, I do! My favorites are white roses. White roses calms me down, it has a sense of spirituality over it which makes me just want to grab a cup of herbal tea, put the flowers in a beautiful pot and just stare at them.

Although flowers makes me go “awwwww”, I have realized as I am growing older and hopefully more mature that there are so many other things we can do to each other which could go instead of flowers.

Maybe a nice gesture of writing a short note of “just wanted to say hi”. Don’t we all have those days of runny nose, red eyes, and the world looks darker than ever, you know what I am talking about. Sometimes we just want to go under the wool duvet and hide ourselves from the world, those are the times our world can be brightened up by a short note of “hi there”. Or when someone follows you up the stairs or comes up to pick you up, it means more than flowers. It is a gesture of care.

Don’t we sometimes feel like yelling out : “I just need to be held, looong and very soon”. Men often complain about their moody women, but I wonder if they would complain as much if they made time just holding their women, making her release all her positive hormones and energy into the universe. This was a hint to all the frustrated men out there, hug your girl!

So girls and boys here it comes, instead of flowers:

1. a hug

2. follow her up the stair

3. when in the petrol station, grab a chewing gum and coffee

4. leave a personal written note

5. have surprise gifts, give them on a day with no occasion

6. get some vitamins and herbs

7. cook a great meal

8. find out when her/his favorite movie/show goes on tv

9. put on her/his favorite cd

10.light some scented candles

The list could go on, you are welcome to add yours…..all instead of flowers!

LEARNING TO BE HAPPY

As I was doing my Bachelor in Psychology back in 2001-2004 I was drawn towards the positive Psychology philosophy and Professor Martin Seligman. I ended up doing my final research project within forgiveness, where I measured weather people who tend to forgive more have healthier mind and body.

Some researchers believe there is an “intelligence of well-being”, and that we can increase our overall level of happiness by consciously savoring pleasurable moments. I wonder: “Does it really boil down to that?” Is happiness actually a skill that can be practiced and honed like any other?

Other positive Psychology researchers describe happiness as “complete absorption in the activity and situation at hand”, a state of being at one with oneself and one´s surroundings, which is termed “flow”. Flow is best achieved when we immerse ourselves in our work or are involved in an athletic or creative activity for its own sake.

Perhaps more of us would feel more content with our lives more of the time if we weren´t saddled with unrealistic expectations fuelled by popular culture – from the fairytales read to us as children that end with “they lived happily ever after” to the books and films we take in as adults. “It´s not bad idea to lower the bar a bit”. If someone´s idea of happiness is to kick back in front of the TV with a beer in the evening, great!” The main thing is for us to get rid of the “brakes” in our head that keep us from being happy, and heighten our awareness for the little moments of bliss. If we can do that and stop to smell the roses once in a while, we might just be lucky enough to find something approaching the holy grail of “enduring happiness”.

“It is a mistake to think happiness is the goal” – old monk

HAPPY – GO – LUCKY

Is happiness a matter of luck?

There are people who seem to have been born under a lucky star. We all know one or two people on whom Fortune always seems to smile and whose lives appear to be full of serendipitous coincidences, wonderful friends and lovable relatives.

Maybe you´re even one of those yourself? Or perhaps you`re one of those unfortunates who always seem to be getting stuck in the slowest-moving queue at the supermarket and the lane on the motorway where traffic starts flowing last after a traffic jam?

Some researchers believe the “lucky” and “unlucky” do truly exist. But, I believe good and bad luck ultimately lie in the eye of the beholder. I was in New York City the day the passenger plane collided with a flock of birds and was forced to make an emergency landing on the icy Hudson river. You could say all 155 people on board were unlucky – or lucky, depending on your point of view.

So is happiness a matter of luck?

Well, yes and no. While few would deny that fate is kinder to some of us than others, a lot depends on how we play the hand we are dealt. The bottom line is: we have to help our luck along – and do something for our own happiness.

According to my experience there are few factors related to happiness we must have in mind. First of all: all people want to be happy. And second: happiness is of limited duration. Nothing and no one can make us happy allthe time. But if we wish to achieve a reasonable degree of overall happiness, we should bear in mind how the character of our mind will affect the soul. To certain extent, we are all the architects of our own fortunes, it is mostly up to us whether our face is etched with laugh lines or creased in frowns.

The pursuit of HAPPINESS

When we have it, it is wonderful. When we do not, it can plunge us into the depths of despair. But What exactly is happiness, and even more importantly, how can we find it? I am in search of that grandest and most elusive of all human emotions.

A woman, a man, ….. glancing at the man by her side, she asks herself: Am I leading the life I imagined? Only to immediately answer her own question: No, I am not – but it does not matter. The only thing that matters is that I would not want to live without him because he makes me feel safe, loved, simply happy – life with him is pure bliss!

Indeed, love bears an enormous potential for happiness. As does the birth of a child. Or finally getting that job you always dreamed of. True, moments where we are completely happy are few and far between in everyday life. But their rarity only makes them that much more precious and more thrilling when they do occur. I can´t help but think of the little boy I met in Brazil, Sau Paulo who only wanted some attention, giving this to him made him happy. Or the mother I met in a slum in Rio De Janeiro who said: ”I am happy, I have food to eat and a family – what more do I want?”

Research findings have shown that happiness has nothing to do with money. A research conducted by London School of Economics and Political Science includes India and Bangladesh among the happiest populations in the world. How can that be? To answer that question, we would do well to start by taking a closer look at what is innside us. Think back to a moment when you experienced true happiness. Did you feel it rising like a warm wave within you, filling your entire being? People in the joyfull moment abandon themselves completely to the moment, often crying. My experience has been that I feel like I want to embrace the whole world and make time stand still so I can savour the moment, a moment where all colours seem brighter and more vivid than usual. Have you ever been that happy?

The inner screams of STRESS

Stress has got many factors related to it. In order to find a lasting solution to this phenomena we must seek deeper within ourselves.

Havent we all experienced rushing from one project to the next, with a sense of actually not performing all our best within any of them. Most of us can deal with the short term stressors, but the problem arises when stress becomes everlasting and we never upload our batteries fully again.

Handling stress is largely about having set limits in daily life. So if we put limits then it will decrees the level of stress, but the one million question is

why don’t we? The main reason to it is that we feel we constantly need to accomplish, and we associate high accomplishment with high stress factor.

Constant stress has been related to deeper psychological roots, such as anxiety, insecurity and low self-esteem. Stress becomes for many a sense of security. When security and self esteem is highly linked to our accomplishments these feelings will fade away as soon as it came. If you want to handle stress, you not only have to say no to certain tasks, but start saying yes to your inner needs. In order to walk against the wind of stress, you and I must seek deeper mental strength and peace. This will increase our self-esteem and decrees anxiety and insecurity.

Down the line it is all about getting to know your inner strengths and weaknesses in order to work with them. Often as human beings we need someone outside to help us reflect over these issues in life and guide us in a more positive direction.

Elham Binai is a life coach and advisor for business men and women who all deal with stressors in their daily private lives and their business lives. Elham Binai has done extensive research within this field during her studies in Psychology.

Do you want your own life coach – book your first hour with Elham Binai.

Are you dead scared of speaking up?

This weekend I was in a 60^th birthday party. The toast master had not been appointed in advance, he was requested for the role only a minute before the gathering of all the guests around the dinner table.

Back in 1998, I was invited to a conference in Helsinki, Finland. The conference manager suddenly realized he had not thought about who would lead the first meeting, as he approached me with those wide blank eyes, I knew what was awaiting me; “Can you lead the meeting please?”, he asked. Around 400 people were excitingly waiting for the meeting to start. Without hesitation I said: "Yes, I can". I thought I was going to die, not having prepared, but actually had to improvise the whole meeting. I got up to the platform and acted as if I had known about my role at least few months in advance. The feedbacks I received were amazingly positive. My role had shifted from only being a participant in the conference to actually becoming one of the main speakers and leaders during the week of the conference.

Several times have I experienced similar situations. I probably end up in these sort of settings due to my personality of not saying no, even though I know I am dead scared, but I say Yes, because I know I wont die of it.

I was impressed by how the toast master at the 60^th birthday party actually handled the whole evening making people relax, laugh and enjoy each others company. He was authentic in his attitude, but also professional. I believe this is the secret to the art of giving a speech which is interesting, fun and professional.

One of the biggest phobias people often hold is to talk in public. The phobia can be so extreme that certain people actually loose out on carrier opportunities. Speech phobia is a taboo subject in companies to talk about. If you are a leader or manager you are supposed to be up on the stage talking freely to hundreds of people. However, this is not always the case for many leaders.

I have had the privilege of growing up with parents who both have been leaders and talked in front of hundreds of people. Since my childhood I was encouraged to “get up there” on the stage and talk to the masses. Not everyone has had the same training and coaching from their parents, therefore we need to learn them in later adulthood.

Majority of people do not use their maximum potential in life due to being scared of talking to the masses or expressing their opinions in meetings. I have trained several in overcoming their speech phobias, this is not to say it is easy. Neither am I saying that every time I am speaking up that I am not scared at all. Every single time I feel the adrenalin kicking its way up, but I believe I have learned and learning constantly the ways of dealing with the positive adrenalin kicks.

The 60^th birthday dinner turned out to be a fabulous party with people being at ease and laughing, this was thanks to the toastmaster who knew the art of holding a good speech going!

You can book an coaching session with me on overcoming your public speaking anxieties. Remember that some of the greatest leaders have had the same coaching and training like you might now need in your life and career.

Elham Binai has been speaking in various conferences, seminars and gatherings. She is often chosen as the “speaker” of a groups opinion. She is perceived to be brave and well articulated, but she as many others has had to overcome her fears of public speaking and expressing opinion.

eb@nero.no / 0047-98489828